3 things I learned at premarital counseling

On Saturday, Adam and I went to our first session of premarital counseling (a requirement for a Catholic wedding).

It was, as you might expect from church-mandated-counseling, a bit sexist, a bit homophobic and a bit corny. But I did learn a few things and I'd like to record them (if nothing more than for myself to refer to a year or two from now).


Note: I'm writing this from my perspective as a Catholic feminist libertarian (try reconciling that one).  I know religion is a touchy subject and I don't mean to offend anyone. This is just my perspective of my experience.

1. Bad advice is a good thing. I wholeheartedly disagreed with some of the presenters (particularly a thinly-veiled "wives, submit to your husbands" story). But it was good to hear advice that I disagreed with, so that I could say to Adam "I disagreed with that, and here's why." And he could then talk about why he agreed or disagreed with it too. We often talk about what we believe, but he and I haven't really talked about what we don't believe, which is just as important I think. And hearing bad advice helped identify those talking points.

2. Premarital counseling is a very good thing. It sparks specific conversations that may not have otherwise come up during these last two months of wedding planning (like how we feel about pets - so not wedding-related but very marriage-related). And counseling reinforces the romantic bond between you. They had us secretly write down special qualities about our partners, and then exchange paper and read what the other had wrote. I was so touched when I read what Adam wrote that I full on cried right there in the church basement in front of 200 Catholic couples. Didn't care. So in love.

3. Community is a very, very good thing. Even though I'm not really sure where I stand in terms of my own Catholic observance (I hear this is pretty typical in your 20s), I can't deny that the Church really, really, really* wants our marriage to work. They are 100% on our side. They are charging us only $120 for 12 hours of marriage counseling (that's $5/hour each, which barely covers the amount of free muffins and coffee we inhaled). It's a pretty incredible thing to have that kind of support, particularly when so much in society seems ambivalent about marriage. I would recommend to anyone that they try to surround themselves with people who will insist that a marriage work. Why not?


*really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really